I left California in January. It's March now and I'm not going back to the mainland just yet. When I packed my bags and headed for Hawaii I was certain only that the steps I was taking were the exact right ones and that I'd show up and see what unfolded.
We each come to peace through our own path. Buddha said you don't have to leave home to find it--- for me leaving home was necessary on so many levels. And Hawaii is the perfect place for a soul mission (even in the rainy season)! This will always be the place where I became whole.
So what does being whole mean exactly? The short version is that I love myself whole heartedly. I'm using my intuition as the powerful tool it is, and replacing fear with love on every level. I'm honoring and trusting my mind, body and spirit.
As a recovering planner and former control freak I've been experiencing so much relief just by taking the steps that are in front of me. Sincerely, the steps RIGHT in front of me. There's a new presence in my days that is almost comedic in its effortlessness. I am not planning out my entire day let alone the rest of my life. I'm trusting that as I move forward the path will reveal itself.
This morning those steps unfolded so naturally as I woke up to a dog nose.
I'm happily dog sitting for a week and have been enjoying every minute of canine companionship. I got up, took him for a walk and made juice. The rest of the day has been punctuated with coaching calls and whatever else I have felt the need or want to do. It's that easy.
I'm on a juice cleanse at the moment so I spend time making juice.
I read a lot. I replace any negative thoughts with positive ones. No more self imposed deadlines and timelines where I loose sleep and struggle through. That's not to say that deadlines have gone away entirely... I do still live and participate in polite society. I still honor my appointments and get my work done but it's with new perspective. And for 7 weeks now I've had a string of really beautiful days.
Yes, I miss Cliff, sometimes tremendously and I think about him off and on all day but even that has changed. I think about him now from a place of being a complete person instead of a place of lack. I don't need him to praise me or love me in a particular way to derive my self worth. I am already enough just as I am. HELLO! So good I'll say it again... I am already enough just as I am! At 33 I'm finally figuring out what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.
When I arrived I wanted to talk to Cliff all the time. I wanted to use him as my anchor so I didn't float off into the sea. I wasn't here for him, I was here for me and I reminded myself often during those first two weeks I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS. I wasn't sure what I was doing but I just kept saying it. We decided to stop talking daily and to talk just once a week, a Skype date on Sunday (we talk regularly now). It was painful and I gave my girl friends an ear full about just how stupid I thought that was (even though we both agreed it was best). I mean come on- I was getting punished for loving him too much and for wanting to talk with him? The reality was that I wasn't so much clinging on to him as I was getting in my own way. And so I let go and by letting go all this space opened up inside of me and I started to look forward to spending days with myself. It was like I was breaking out of the stone barrier that was holding me into what was familiar despite it not feeling right... so often I see this with my clients regarding food. They overeat on something like pizza and wash it down with some kind of soda because that kind of full is a feeling they know. It doesn't matter that it feels crummy, it's familiar.
Once I turned my attention to myself I was able to focus. I read a lot of books by very wise people, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Marianne Williams and I contemplate their words. I let them all flow in and I delight in doing things I want to do... beach walks even in the winter rains. Collecting sea glass. Driving around the island with new friends. Local avocado, apple bananas, coconuts. Writing my first several eCourses, watching docus on Netflix. Sitting on the beach, splashing around in the ocean... I could go on and on.
And so that's where I'm at, nearly two months in and feeling grateful that I've taken this time. It's just a blip on the big screen of life but it's one big important shiny blip! One of my clients today asked for the formula... for me it has been about finding the fear, facing it and walking through it with support. Sometimes that will be with the support of your partner, a therapist, life coach, health coach... sometimes it's you as your own coach. No matter what version it is for you I can tell you from real, raw and recent experience... it's worth it.
To my wild happiness and to yours!
To the journey!
Thanks for joining me for part of mine.
Lacy
